The Daily Bongo
Dreams haunt me. When I wake in the morning, I find myself contemplating the events of the night that occurred in my subconscious mind and wonder why they happen. In my dreams, I find that those who have left my life in one way or another return. The dead appear as they were all those years ago when I last knew them. Nothing has changed with them although everything has changed with me. In the back of my subconscious as I dream, I hear a hum that suggests that the people are dead, but it is something that the dreaming mind can't rationalize. After all, I see the person in front of my sleep laden eyes. At times when I wake, I wish that I could go back to sleep with the renewed knowledge that indeed the person is dead, and this is the time for me to make amends for all that I have done. One of the key recurring characters in my dreams is my mother. Since she died quickly and unexpectedly, there wasn't an opportunity to right all the wrongs that I had committed in my youthful arrogance. My father also appears in my dreams, but not at the same regularity. He is always the strong one, and I sense more unease when in his presence because I realize that I had an opportunity to right wrongs, but chose not to take it because of that same youthful arrogance.
I imagine that the message that the dreams are trying to send me is that I need to live a life without regrets. It's not the dead who come to haunt me, but the regrets that I feel. I regret not saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry". Even if I did say it at times, I think that I know deep down inside that the true feeling wasn't there. I wasn't sorry. I was just mouthing the words to stop the confrontation. Inside the emotions were still burbling unchecked, sometimes causing the problems and issues to ferment more than was necessary.
My dreams send me messages about things that I realize with my subconscious, but that my conscious self can't accept. Sometimes in my dreams, I find myself in situations that are beyond my control. A dog is trapped in a burning car. Everyone stands around complacently watching the event because they realize that there is nothing that can be done. My dream self refuses to accept it, and tries in vain to fight the flames to reach the dog. Screaming to others to help, railing against the fates that are fighting me, and unable to accept that there is nothing that I can do to change the ultimate outcome. The dreams continue with changes in characters and scenarios, but the theme remains. I can't control everything. Sometimes things will happen that are beyond my control. Once I realize this, the dreams that have become nightmares stop. My subconscious has gotten the message through. You can't control everything, and you must accept that simple fact. Have I accepted that lack of control? Unfortunately, I still have issues with it, but with knowledge can come change.
Will my dreams make me a better person? Only if I truly listen to the message. Sometimes all I do is hear the words without drinking in the meaning. Live life with no regrets and realize that control is not always possible. I hear the words. I see them on the page. Have they been written on my soul? No, but with the help of dreams, I hope to one day consciously live my life the way my subconsious suggests I should.
August 11, 2005